Yesterday I watched a video of a woman who quit school to pursue her happiness. She moved to a small town during a bitter winter, and as you can imagine things were hard. But she knew what she wanted. Slowly, she got on her two feet and built a life for herself. She got a dog and immersed herself in creating art. She documented her life and the things around her. She fell in love. Even got a cow.
And by the time I was done, I was half green with envy, half desperate for her life.
Right now, my whole life is a mess. In many ways, I’ve been sticking my head under the sand hoping that if I sleep long enough, my life would go away. Every time I wake up, I’m always surprised that this life is still mine, and it’s still there and no one has come to save me.
But if wishes where horses, I’m sure beggars would ride.
One thing that has consistently eaten me up for the longest time is how I can’t have a clean slate. I have never admitted it to myself, but it’s there. My beef with myself is that I’m this flawed human being. I can’t seem to accept it and the more I battle with it, the more I refuse to accept. The more I hate myself for it, and the more I can’t forgive myself.
For me the journey to happiness has not even began. I have not scratched the surface. Too much has, is happening. Perhaps one major obstacle is my inability to tell myself the truth. Where does my mental illness end and where do my flaws begin? There’s a line I’m sure. Yet, I struggle to find it.
Where do I even begin?
In this moment of reflection, I’m wondering what it will take? How many failures? How long will this test have to stay before I learn my lessons?
I have to make changes now. To be happy, I must begin now. Not tomorrow, not another place but here & now.
Sometimes when you are hurting, it’s hard to see properly. I’ve been so blinded by my hurt and anger that I refused to grow.
So I’m making this one resolution now, to take responsibility for my recovery. To chase happiness in small places, in small things, in tiny moments. Right here and now.