My Mother and I

I don’t know what my therapist would make of this, but I’ll tell you a story.

To be honest, my mum beating me was painful. But even more painful was that she didn’t listen to me as I genuinely apologized. How could I hurt my baby sister? I love her. I don’t remember the things she said, but I remember how she made me feel. Like a problem child. And I remember the marks on my face bleeding, thinking “Why?”

Then I wondered how I’d explain this to my classmates in school.

I’ll tell you another story.

How dare she?

My mother apologizes both instances. The first time, I can’t remember the nature of the apology but I remember that only the child in me could muster up such a reply.

“You’ll always be my mum. I love you. It’s okay”

Adult Aaisha could never.

But the second time, as she tells me she’s sorry she broke my jaw, but not sorry she beat me, I mutter “It’s okay” with a mouth full of heavy wires to hold my teeth together. I’m angry, but the anger is tempered down by something in me that’s sure I deserved it.

As I write this story, I’m crying.

The child in me is still present in some ways, and I still love my mum very much. But it is not okay. Things are not okay.

There have been so many times my mum could and should have not hurt me, and should have shielded me from the world. From my father. But she didn’t and that destroys me everytime I think about it.

This year, I told my mum how she makes me want to kill myself. How when I think of her, sometimes I want to end myself. And she got angry at me for that. To be honest, it hurt. I was surprised. Now, I’m reconciling parts of myself. I’m forcing myself to heal without her apologies or my need for her to love me the way I want to be loved. It’s hard, but I have no doubt it’s possible.

I’ll tell you one last story.

I wish I could tell you I have found closure. But I haven’t. Perhaps one day, but right now I’m moving through life knowing that it’s so difficult but I can live without the closure. Not because I want to, but because I have to.

A retired pandemic blog. Find me on substack at The Fajr Collective. Still writing about Loving Him, reconciling myself and healing.