سكينة‎

I have known loneliness in time of chaos, the silence choking me till I’m blue in the face. During those times, seconds tends to blend into each other. My soul is floating and I’m not here. Not really.

I have also known joy that feels stolen, that doesn’t feel like mine. It feels like the happiness that presents itself to me is existing on borrowed time. This happiness must belong to someone else.

Emotions are strange things. They are so abstract, yet I can almost taste them. Many of us tend to seek ways to box them. For me, I will capture my happiness in a Hanna Turi song. I will bottle my euphoria in her vocal cords and feel this happiness embrace me on good days by surrounding myself with her sound. It is an entirely glorious experience.

With misery, I will condense the feelings into words. Drowning is for depression. My father is the anchor. Tears are an ocean.

There are also days that words are not enough. I will employ Jeremy Zucker to sing my feelings. I will allow the synth of his music to help me feel. A song written for Adeline will help me hope. I will be okay, I know with music.

Today, I felt something akin to flying without wings. A buzzing, a pressure in my back. Love, I realized wanted to lift me from the ground. I was in the middle of a hurricane, but my heart was grounded and steady. I searched for a word to describe it, and peace wasn’t enough. Sakeenah was more like it. Calm on calm on calm. On calm in the midst of the Dunya but still — sakeenah.

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A retired pandemic blog. Find me on substack at The Fajr Collective. Still writing about Loving Him, reconciling myself and healing.

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Tọ́bálàṣẹ́

Tọ́bálàṣẹ́

A retired pandemic blog. Find me on substack at The Fajr Collective. Still writing about Loving Him, reconciling myself and healing.

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